Love, romantic relationships, and the mere mention of them often make people smile, tenderness, and warm memories. But just as often, love is associated with pain, trauma, domestic violence, and abusive relationships. The term "abuser" means "violent relationships in which one person violates the personal boundaries of another, humiliates, allows cruelty in communication and actions to suppress the will of the victim." That is, an abuser (actually an offender, a tyrant) is a partner who dominates another person (victim) in a relationship between two people, humiliates them, and commits psychological, physical, or other types of violence against them.
The relationship between two partners (where one is a "tyrant" and the other a "victim") is quite common. Tyrants (abusers) can be parents, grandparents, even a boss at work or a person who met you on the train and humiliates you. The offender is easy to recognize: it is a person who wants to insult, humiliate, harm, and show their rightness. When you meet such tyrants (abusers) – you need to get away from them and break such a relationship. If we are talking about a love relationship or marriage – it's harder. On the one hand, you are loved and protected. On the other hand, everything is forbidden. How to recognize a potential offender in a loved person?
The topic of violence is one of the most silenced in society. That is why the non-governmental organization Public Movement "Social Unity" is implementing the project “Barrier-free Ukraine for the Deaf: Combating Violence Against Hearing Impaired Women”, as women, especially those with hearing impairments, often do not know how to protect themselves in situations of physical, psychological, sexual or economic violence.
The main sign of violence is regularity. A single case of loud quarrel or insult is not yet a violent relationship. But take a closer look at your partner and draw conclusions, is your partner is behaving this way? Because these are direct signs of an abuser:
- Critic. He loves to criticize: everything, everyone, and always. He may criticize a partner for bad looks, bad food, or poor gait. It is impossible to please such a person. And it does not matter whether the partner actually has such shortcomings. Also, if your partner is criticizing the people around you but not you, this is also a signal. If everything is wrong for him, most likely, you are not right too, simply he does not speak about it yet.
- My property. If you used to belong to yourself before a relationship, the abuser will change that very quickly. He will not give you time for yourself and your own space. He will be constantly around you, he will read your text messages on social networks, will hold hands, and limit you. He will say that he does it from the bottom of his heart, trying to protect you. However, such behavior will not lead to anything good.
- Full control. Where are you? With whom? Why? How long? When are you going home? The abuser will ask these questions to the partner every day. If you are at work, the offender will still have hundreds of questions and complaints about you. The worst signal is tracking your location. The tyrant (abuser) will say that he is just worried and cares about you, but you have to learn to distinguish – whether it is the interest of a partner or total control. If you have to report your every move to your partner, it is tyranny (violence/abuse).
- Who needs you except me? Most often you will hear from the offender about his unearthly love and desire to be 100% yours. He will say that no one needs you but him, and no one will ever love you the way he does. This is a sign of the tyrant's desire to bind you. However, if a woman repeats this every day, she may believe it, and she will live with a constant sense of fear of losing a man who is, in fact, committing psychological violence.
- I forbid to see others. Typical prohibitions of the abuser are prohibitions on meeting relatives, friends, or acquaintances. The offender brings you to a state where he is the only one who will remain the closest person to you. Indeed, who can you turn to or go to if your relationship with family, friends, or acquaintances is cut?
- Did you betray me? Abusers constantly suspect and accuse their partner of adultery. This is usually nonsensical criticism. It often happens that the abuser cheats on you and this makes him think about the possible betrayal from your side. Jealousy can trigger physical and other forms of violence.
- Where is the money? The abuser will require his victim to report every penny spent and even restrict you from spending money. It may even be about money that you have earned yourself and which you have the full right to dispose of at your own discretion.
Violence (tyranny, abuse) is not just about threats, insults, accusations, and beatings. These are the worst manifestations of violence. It can all start with the dull "Why did you make such bright make-up?" or "Be home at 9 o'clock in the evening." If you notice in your partner the signs that we advised you to pay attention to – this is a signal of violence against you (tyranny, abuse), which often ends in flight, lawsuits, bruises, and crippled life. And sometimes even death. However, it may be difficult to end such a relationship, do so until the abuser has taken complete control over you. Do not allow yourself to be humiliated and insulted.
The non-governmental organization Public Movement "Social Unity" continues to talk about actions in cases of various forms of violence (physical, psychological, sexual, and economic) and how to counteract it. We are implementing the project "Barrier-free Ukraine for the Deaf: Combating Violence Against Hearing Impaired Women”, with the support of the Fund for Social Protection of the Disabled, the Ministry of Social Policy of Ukraine, and the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Ukraine.
Contact us through the widget on the website of the non-governmental organization Public Movement "Social Unity" se.org.ua to get advice from a psychologist and a lawyer – a sign language interpreter will help you.
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